He Wanted Me To Keep Quiet About His Behaviour

*Steve said that I had “saved” him. But it wasn’t too long before he realised I could see his web of lies were unravelling, so started threatening to kill himself because I wanted to leave him. When we were apart – him working in the US; me working in the UK – he’d go hours, sometimes a day or so, before sending me a message to let me know he was still alive. During this time, with no communication, I’d be frantic because I really thought he was going to commit suicide. I’d call countless times, but he wouldn’t answer his cell/mobile. This would become a regular occurrence.

It got so bad, I’d just not bother trying to call him any more. He accused me of not caring and frequently said I’d have to fight for him and/or the relationship. I remember asking him why I should as I wasn’t the one causing the majority of the arguments. When I was at fault, I would admit I was wrong and apologise. His response was so he could feel loved, respected and appreciated. What???? I’d shown him nothing but love, respect and appreciation! It just wasn’t happening the other way round!

I have to stress at this point, he thrives on drama. He did then and he still does now. When I didn’t want to participate, he would get really mad, telling me that I did not love him and that I was unsupportive. It was extremely draining. But after each threat of killing himself, he would eventually apologise, explaining that it was the stress of being in the army and constantly say that he was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). But he wasn’t then, and he isn’t now. Steve did serve in Iraq for a year, but he wasn’t in combat; he shifted ammo from one spot to the next. That was it. (His army career will be detailed in another post. You will see why I’ve come to my conclusion). He was apparently a better person when I was around him. He missed me so much it hurt so I have to forgive him. He’s never loved so deep before…

Steve tried to lay down rules I definitely wasn’t happy with. This is where the control factor really started to show and take it’s toll. He accused me of being the controlling one, and went on to tell who would listen this untruths. When we married by proxy, he wanted me to change my surname to that of his, but I didn’t want to. So what did he do? He told the company to change my surname! So I wear his name on the marriage certificate. However, when we went to open joint accounts together (so when he got his pay checks in, I would ensure his bills were paid in a timely manner and to help him rebuild his ruined credit), I told the clerk I wanted to use my birth name. Steve insisted I used his. The clerk could see how uncomfortable I was, so she told him she could only go by the name on my I.D.’s. What a relief. My British passport and driver’s licence were (and still are) in my birth name. Problem solved!

He wanted me to send an email to *Dawn, his daughter’s mother after our disastrous trip to Montana. When I refused, he created an email account using his surname – persia**********@yahoo.com (I’ve chosen not to reveal his surname for the sake of my son and his family). After doing so, he told me again to send an email from the address I’ve been using for years, dictating what he wanted me to say. Failure to do so would result in him sending one from the account he’d created. The worst part about that? He wouldn’t tell me the password, so he was the only one with access to the account. This meant he could say whatever he wanted to. For those who did not know me well, would be none the wiser, so would assume that I had indeed, sent the email(s). I continued to refuse his demand. Whether or not he sent and email from that address is anyone’s guess. He did give me access to the account several days later. I couldn’t see that he’d sent any messages, however, there is the possibility he did and deleted the evidence.

What was it with him? Why was he was so determined for me to bare his surname? It was really getting out of hand. He’d even had me listed with the army as his spouse with the wrong surname. That was, until I corrected it with my legal documents.

Steve didn’t want me to talk to anyone about what was going on, because it was “our business, not anyone else’s”. He went ballistic if he even had an inkling that I’d talked to someone about us, and often accused me of having done so when I hadn’t.

(*Not his real name)