My Green Card Application

*Steve had lied when he had said my Green Card application was underway mid-April (see “And So The Lies Continue“). So when I went to be with him last minute for Christmas 2011, we discussed his lies which he apologised for and promised he wouldn’t do it again(!). He blamed the distance and missing me so much it hurt for his behaviour, as well as being in the army as it was stressing him out. He also said although we were married, he felt lonely because he woke up to an empty bed and came home to an empty apartment. I understood where he was coming from, but I liked my own company. I enjoyed living on my own in London.

Bearing in mind he had only moved into the apartment just two months before I went to visit, the place was a huge mess. He had stayed with me in my apartment in London and saw how I kept it clean and tidy, so the state his apartment was in was shocking. The new beige carpet had a massive black stain in the middle of it. His things were scattered everywhere. Prior to this point, we had always stayed in a hotel. I had seen his room in the barracks once which was a complete mess too, but he said it was like that because his room had been inspected in his absence and the mattress had been changed. What I didn’t realise was that he was actually untidy and quite frankly, dirty. He blamed the mess on moving and having to work, so not finding the time to unpack everything properly.

It took me a whole day to clean the kitchen. Another day to clean the living room. And yet another day to clean the spare room. Thats three days in total and I was yet to clean the master bedroom and bathroom. Seriously? Why should I have to clean up after a grown man? I was not impressed and made it known. He promised to keep the place clean and tidy.

Whilst there, I called USCIS to make sure he was indeed on top of things. Because he was applying for me, the customer service representative wouldn’t tell me much because they could only tell my sponsor the information. I was however, told that Steve had started the process November 14th. A huge delay, but it was a start and quite possibly the first thing he hadn’t lied about!

It was during this time the topic of having a child came up. Discussing it at great lengths, we decided it would be a good idea. I was moving out to be with him permanently in March 2012 (yet another date had been set) and to attend a Military Ball, so why not? He seemed to be a doting father to his daughter whom he wanted joint custody of, and according to him, her mother made his life hell by not allowing him to see her. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, but didn’t want to get involved in any of that. What went on between Steve and *Dawn was nothing to do with me.

He told me I didn’t have to work; I could be a lady of leisure. I reminded him that I had been working since the age of seventeen, so there is no way I could accept that offer. Work was definitely on the cards.

Finally, we were on the same page, or so it seemed and we could move on from all the lies and setbacks we had encountered. I was living out of suitcases which I hated and his clothes, as well as everything else was all over the floor. I couldn’t stand it. I went out and bought two chest of drawers – one for him and one for me. Also, two nightstands for either side of the bed. I also bought a matching bed set, to include a comforter, flat sheet, etc. It was starting to look and feel a bit like home. This was going to be the place I’d call home soon. We needed furniture and he was no good with money.

The $1,070 needed for my Green Card application was placed in the joint savings account.

I raised $6,500 to transfer once I made the move. This money was for any emergency that may arise, such as bridging the gap between him leaving the army to starting college so we didn’t end up homeless. Basically, this money was backup to dig us out of any hole we may fall into as I couldn’t work yet, due to the seven month delay in him applying for my Petition For Alien Relative.

I moved out to the US on March 3rd 2012 as he wanted me to be there in time for my birthday three days later. I don’t know why. I spent it alone whilst he was at work. Afterwards, we went to Perkins and a few days later, he bought me a small stereo. But there were two major problems. Firstly, the apartment was a ‘pig sty’ again and secondly, the money for my Green Card had disappeared. When asked what what was going on with the state of the place, he told me he was too busy with work to clean up. When asked what happened to the money, he said that each time we argued, he’d just go out and spend some of it out of spite (I’m a believer in saving for a ‘rainy’ day), but didn’t actually know what he’d done with it.

(My beloved convertible two seater Smart car).

There was a seven week gap between the time I’d spent with him over Christmas period to when I moved to the US. I sold my car, my furniture, got my deposit back on my apartment in London and got paid for a few outstanding Corporate Video jobs. I was also in credit with the utility companies, so was refunded those monies as well. Considering he was the one who wanted the move, I gave up everything to be with him.

It wasn’t too long before I realised the money wasn’t going to last. I was soon to witness first hand how he spent money faster than it came in. I ended up having to pay for my Green Card out of this money, so I got stung financially yet again.

(*Not their real names)

And So The Lies Continue

*Steve was pushing me to to move to the US to be with him, so I called the American Embassy in London to enquire about what I needed to do. I was told it was down to Steve to apply on my behalf as he was going to be my sponsor. Relaying the information back to him, he said that he would deal with it and that everything was in order, to include his passport, mid April 2011. I’ve already written about the lies regarding the passport (see “My Mother’s Wedding” and “Western Union Money Order“).

Once he had confessed at the end of May that he had not dealt with his passport, I asked him if he had lied about my Green Card application. He said he had and that he was sorry and would deal with it straight away. I was not happy to say the least. So, not only was he forcing me to give up my life in my beloved London so I’d be away from my family and friends, but he had also lied to me yet again regarding my application. This was after he said I would be coming out to the States in September 2011 for good. I’d told everyone. It was the second time he had narrowed it down to the month that I would be moving to be with him. He had originally said it would be in May, but then the lie about his passport was exposed, which led onto the lie about my application coming to light too. It wasn’t until I had called British Airways to book a one way flight costing $1,795/£1,280 that I realised something wasn’t right. The sales rep asked me if I had all the paperwork sorted. Listing them, she told me to ask my husband before purchasing the flights. I am thankful to her otherwise I would have wasted yet more of my own money.

I couldn’t understand why he felt the need to behave like this; I had expressed that I really didn’t want to live anywhere else apart from England, but he had stated that he didn’t want to leave me in Europe. He was harassing me to go, but was lying about everything, even when lying wasn’t necessary (not that it ever is).

An application wouldn’t be submitted until mid-November – seven months after he had initially said he was dealing with the situation. So much time had been wasted. What was the worst thing about this apart from being embarrassed when telling my family and friends he’d let me down again? He could only apply for a Petition For Alien Relative at this point. This meant I wouldn’t be able to work for three years, but could live legally in the US with him. This is definitely not what I wanted, as I needed to work. I’d worked for so long and was independent. Why would I want to change that? There is no way I’d be at home with him “supporting” me for this duration. I know now that he would have had some pleasure if it had turned out this way. It would mean Steve would have complete control over me.

(*Not his real name)

Western Union Money Order

*Steve sent me a BBM message on May 5th 2011, stating that he had been told by one of his Sergeants that as he was now a married man, he would have to find accommodation off post, as the barracks were for single soldiers only. Adding that he only had a few days in which to get off post and that he had no money for a deposit for an apartment, I felt bad for him. I told him to go to ask another Sergeant if this was true, because I couldn’t quite believe that the army would knowing leave a soldier homeless. By this point, I had all my own bills paid up to date; rent, utilities, cell/mobile, etc, so everything was fine my end. I was waiting for money to come in from some work I had completed (it took quite some time to get paid for TV & Film work – commercials and corporate videos were considerably longer), but I was still comfortable.

He asked me if I could help him. To be honest, I knew it was coming. I was dreading it. We had only been married for six days. I told him I’d not yet been paid, so I didn’t know what I could do to help. I hadn’t worked for a couple of months or so, as I tended to work in bursts so I could make enough money to relax for a couple of months. Also, mid-December through to February (sometimes March) was really slow for work. Good money management kept me in the lifestyle I had created for myself.

That evening, as we spoke via Skype. Obviously, the subject came up again. Steve told me that the same Sergeant has been hassling him again to find accommodation off post. I really didn’t know what to do. I was now his wife and a firm believer of “For better, for worse” and “For richer, for poorer”, so I told him I’d see what I could do. I thought about it all night long. There was only one way I would be able to raise this money fast so he wouldn’t have to suffer…

The next day, I sold a number of sentimental items of jewellery I had gotten from my ex-husband just for their weight in gold. I didn’t want to, but thought “The money I’ll get from these items will help to pave the way for my future”. The sales associate who was serving me had to ask me if I was sure I wanted to sell them for scrap, as he could see the tears welling up in my eyes. I told him I was going to step outside whilst he did all the weighing, and that I would come back in shortly. I needed some air. I told myself I was doing the right thing.

After getting some money, I sent Steve a message asking where he would like the money sent. With no hesitation, he told me as it was a four day weekend, he would spend it with his father, so I should send it to Tennessee, rather than to Savannah, Georgia. Being five hours ahead in London, we agreed I would send it the next day, May 7th.

And so I did. $1,310/£898.58 plus a fee.

The four day weekend was over and Steve was back at work in Savannah. A few days passed and I noticed that he had not mentioned looking for an apartment, so I questioned him about it. He said he hadn’t found time to look yet, but that he would. I also noticed that he had ordered pizza six days in a row totalling to $120. All I that was going through my mind was “I thought he didn’t have any money?” and “I thought he only had a few days in which to move off post?”.

More time went on and I was starting to get annoyed because my mother’s wedding was coming up the following month, and I really didn’t want to stay in a hotel and have to pay for it. Telling him of my concerns, he assured me he would find an apartment in time and that I shouldn’t worry. I believed him because I had sent him the money via Western Union and knew it would cover the deposit and the first month’s rent.

When I confronted him again, he told me conflicting stories, “I’ve hidden it under my mattress”, “I’ve put it in the bank”, “I’ve hidden some in my barracks room and some I’ve banked”. To cut a long story short, we kept arguing about it, whereby he finally told me he only had $300 left of the original $1,310 I had sent. Fuming couldn’t even begin to cover how I felt. What the hell was he playing at? The worst thing about it all was he couldn’t even tell me what he had done with the money. No doubt it paid for all the junk food he was ordering.

Steve used the last of the money to get his civilian passport. Yes, that’s right, I ended up paying for his passport, not knowing I would, for him to be able to attend my mother’s wedding, despite him being the one who asked if he could attend in the first place. We argued more and I blurted out how I got the money that I had sent to him. He apologised numerous times and promised when he came to London, he would buy my jewellery back. He never did get them back. No attempts were made either. In fact, when he arrived in London, he hadn’t brought any money with him at all.

Between April and May $7,000 passed thorough his hands but he could not tell me what happened to the all money. He purchased a car in June which cost $4,200. He didn’t pay for it outright even though he could have. Instead, his step mother was kind enough to take out a loan for him (I’m sure she was unaware of the amount of money he had misspent). If he had spent wisely, he would have still been left with $2,800 – the equivalent of $1,400 for each of the two months. Steve would later tell me he co-signed the loan and thought he was building his own credit. What a lie. Had he forgotten that he had already told me that he had tried to get a loan out himself, but couldn’t because his credit was bad? Not that he should have needed one because he had enough cash flow. These were the reasons, as well as he’d hadn’t paid back any monies owed before, that I didn’t want to put the cost of his return flights to London and the hotel on my credit card (see “My Mother’s Wedding”). I ended up paying for it all anyway.

(*Not his real name)

My Mother’s Wedding

My mother was getting married June 25th 2011. My sisters and I would be bridesmaids. Having told *Steve, he had asked if he could come along. The wedding had fallen during proposed block leave, so there wouldn’t be a problem with him taking time off from work. I thought it was a great idea. He could finally meet my family and friends all at once! Prior to this discussion, he had already told me that due to not having his civilian passport back in March to come be with me in London for my birthday, he was already “on it”, meaning he was in the process of applying for one. This was mid-April 2011. I thought things were finally falling into place.

Closer to the wedding, he told me that he was still coming, but that he had found a good deal on flights but hadn’t been paid yet. It was true… he got paid on the 1st and 15th of each month. However, I was not at all prepared for what he said next. “Put it on your credit card”. I really didn’t want to, especially as he didn’t even wait for me to offer, but also because I had purchased goods in the past which he still had not paid me back for yet. As the conversation continued, I felt more and more uncomfortable. By the end of it, he had promised me he would transfer the money to my bank account once he’d been paid. He was in the army. I knew there was money coming in so reluctantly, I agreed. I was his wife after all.  He had also asked me to return with him and stay in Savannah, Georgia for a couple of weeks, so we could spend a total of three weeks together. I told him I wasn’t prepared to because I was fed up with being the one to pay for hotels all the time. Steve said that he understood and would pay for the hotel. I purchased my return tickets on my credit card, for which I paid off the majority the next day because I had most of the money in my checking/current account to cover my own ticket. Within the next week or two, I’d be getting paid from a TV job I’d done, so knew the cost of my ticket was going to be paid off before interest kicked in.

Pay day came which was May 1st. He didn’t mention the money he owed me, nor was any transferred to me. I figured, because his pay checks were split into two, he was waiting for the second pay check of the month, May 15th. Again, nothing. So I asked him what was happening with the money. He told me he was going to physically bring it with him and give it to me when he arrived. I really didn’t mind if that’s what he chose to do, as long as he paid off the balance on my credit card.

Anyway, it was during a conversation on May 24th, an argument erupted. I found out that after purchasing my return tickets and placing the cost of his ticket on my credit card, he had lied. He hadn’t applied for his civilian passport. I was livid. You’d think he would have learnt his lesson from not having one in the first place, thus making me spend my birthday alone – after making me look like a fool, telling everyone he was coming. But no. I could not believe this was happening again. He said he was still coming and would be able to get his passport within the month he had left before the wedding. He would have his passport expedited. I couldn’t understand why he felt he had the need to lie. When he had asked me to book his flights he already knew he hadn’t even applied for his passport. What the hell was wrong with him?

The next day, May 25th, he applied for his passport. His passport arrived just four days before he was due to travel.

A week before he was due to arrive, he asked me to find a hotel and once again, to put the bill on my credit card, but he would pay for it. Weighing out the pros and cons in my head, once again, reluctantly, I agreed. Return tickets had already been bought for both of us (I’d paid an extra $255/£170 to be on the same flight as him); I’d already cancelled work for the three weeks we’d be spending together; and he’d already promised to pay me back in full on his arrival.

A few days before he was due to arrive in London, Steve told me he would only have enough money to cover half the cost of his ticket. Good grief. Here we go again. I asked him about the money for the hotel. He said he’d still pay that back. OK. I wasn’t best pleased, but I was happy with that! Explaining that if interest kicked in, he would have to pay for that too. He agreed.

Two days before he was due to arrive, he told me he would not be able to pay me back for his tickets nor the hotel. No words can even begin to express how I felt when I heard what he had to say. I was hoping that at any moment, I was was going to awake from the nightmare, or he was going to tell me he was only kidding. But Steve was serious. To be honest, looking back on it now, I’ve concluded that he knew he didn’t have the money, but wanted a “free” holiday. It didn’t matter that before I agreed to put anything on my credit card for him there was a zero balance on it. I’d always been good with money, and especially after having to quit my Account Manager role in July 2007 due to a road accident where a double decker bus hit my car whilst I was stationary, I’d learnt how to spend within my means. I was still able to treat myself to breaks/holidays/luxuries though.

I collected him from the airport on the evening of May 22nd. He had brought dress shoes (he had to have a pair for formal events in the army), jeans, t-shirts, trainers/sneakers and a couple of sweaters, not to mention designer underwear – all of which I had bought for him (see “Our First And Second Shopping Trip To The Mall Together” and “Early Gifts From Me, Valentine’s Day And My Birthday“). But of course, there was something missing. He hadn’t brought an outfit for the wedding.

The next day, we headed to New Bond Street (just off Oxford Street) where I had to purchase a suit, tie and shirt for him. I already had a pair of unisex cuff links which I ended up giving to him. He’d brought no money with him at all. I even gave him a pay-as-you-go phone to use.

I made sure I didn’t ruin my mother’s wedding day by showing how I really felt. Behind the huge smile I was hurt. I didn’t know what else to do. The wedding was fabulous. My family and friends welcomed him.

Unlike when I went to see him and having to pay for hotels, etc, myself,  he stayed with me in my loft apartment – all expenses paid. I cooked, washed and cleaned for him; took him sightseeing; took him out for meals as he wanted to try out different restaurants. I paid for everything, which is exactly what he should have done for me when I went back with him. Of course, it didn’t happen that way. In fact, by the time I left for the US with him, the debt on my credit card was $4,000/£2,750. All of which belonged to him.

 

(Sightseeing around London)

As I had turned down work for three weeks and did not account for the expenditure on my card, for the next couple of months I struggled to pay off the full balance owed. Instead, I paid instalments. Interest kicked in and he made no attempts to help me clear it down. Finally, after numerous arguments about his finances, he agreed to open joint accounts with me so I could help him save and rebuild his credit score; one checking and one savings. In August, I’d managed to organise his finance in such a way over the past six weeks that I was able to transfer $1,000/£638 – with his permission, to help me clear his debt in my name, although he was livid that I was actually making him pay it off. It was only meant to take three working days for the money to reach my account. When it hadn’t he started yelling at me saying “That’s a thousand dollars Persia, where is it?”. Suddenly, expenditure mattered because it was his money.

The money arrived into my account a total of five working days later. He was not pleased, but I was.

(*Not his real name)

My Wedding Gift To Him And His To Me

Our marriage (see “Our Marriage By Proxy“) was confirmed via email on April 29th 2011.

*Steve had been talking about wanting a Nook for a  while, so as I was unable to be with him, I purchased a Barnes & Noble e-Voucher for him on the day, which covered the cost of a colour Nook ($250.00). We already knew well in advance that we wouldn’t be able be together on the day, so it was my wedding gift to him. I was looking forward to a new start with him (so to speak), so this day was very special to me for more than one reason.

Of course, he accepted it and was really excited. It was on a Friday, so once he’d finished work, he went straight to Barnes & Noble and made his purchase. Updating his status on Facebook, he wrote how wonderful I was and how pleased he was with his gift. He couldn’t stop saying how I was the best of the best, how he couldn’t live without me, and asking how was he lucky enough to end up with me – the list was endless.

Now, I’m going to go into detail and explain what I received from him… Nothing.

The taking and not giving had begun again. It didn’t take long, did it?

I waited for a little while after to see what he was going to do for me.  It was the same result… nothing. Although I’m not shallow and do not believe a relationship is all about what you can get, it would have been nice for him to show me how much he appreciated me, rather than taking to Facebook, acting as if he was the perfect, appreciative person he made himself out to be.

(*Not his real name)