Getting Ready for School

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Just Saying ~ September 18th

Indeed it is…

Sweet Dreams

This is my heart, innocently sleeping with his bear he refuses to part with. How cute?! Max drags it all over the place, so the bear is dirty and smells awful. So much so, that no matter how many times it’s washed, it still looks dirty!

I get to see this every day and I wouldn’t change it for the world. None of my hardships are due to my son and I would never, nor will I ever blame him for anything that has happened.

Sweet dreams my precious. I’ll be here when you wake to tell you that I love you again for the hundredth time or so for the day, and watch as you roll your eyes with a look on your face, as if to say “Mum, stop! You’re embarrassing me!”

I love you more than you’ll ever know. ❤

Sleep Paralysis/Night Terrors

In the early hours of Friday morning, I suffered from Sleep Paralysis, also know as Night Terrors.

It was just awful.

I haven’t had one of these for quite some time – in fact not since last year.

Suffering from what can be considered as terrible nightmares (which is putting it mildly), I have been dealing with them since I was eighteen. Sometimes they are frequent; sometimes not. There is no cure. I’ve been told by doctors not to sleep on my back, and to ensure a light is on. I was not on my back when I came out of it, and a light was on.

I have no idea why they started in the first place, but I know this… it looks and feels real. It’s as if I have my eyes open and am looking at the bastard trying to strangle the shit out of me, only I never get to see the face. Ever. It’s normally that of a ‘shadow’ with a long black cape, and a big rimmed black hat. No features, just really strong hands. Although slim, deceptively heavy, pinning me down with it’s weight, whilst it’s hands are at work around my throat.

During my time living with *Steve in the US, I didn’t experience the usual ‘shadow’ in my Sleep Paralysis state, that I would eventually awake from, to find that I didn’t have any bruises and that it didn’t hurt to swallow my saliva, etc. No – I experienced the actual ‘shadow’… for he was my living Day and Night Terror.

I guess the one positive point I can pull out of this shitty situation, is that years of this crap, gave me enough practice to fight my (ex) husband off of me when it was he who was trying to kill me. That’s it.

My Absence Explained

I decided to take time out this week, because I wanted to follow my son’s pattern/schedule. So, I have been napping and sleeping when he does. This way, I can be awake and ready to go when he is. Although I’m still not eating much, if anything at all, I have been drinking plenty of water. The permanent headache is not as intense as it used to be – for now.

With that being said, I am feeling a bit better. A little less… tired. I could feel, with all the stress over the past couple of weeks or so, my PTSD really kicking in. I had to slow things down a lot.

I miss my family and friends.

I miss London, UK.

If there were more to do where I am, it would be easier. I’m a city gal. Always have been. Always will be.

Besides, Max my little American born boy misses British food. As do I. 🙂