Prison Cell

An intelligent, energetic, educated woman cannot be kept in four walls – even satin–lined, diamond–studded walls – without discovering sooner or later that they are still a prison cell.

—Pearl S Buck (via itsquoted)

My (ex) husband *Steve hated this about me. And I’m glad he did, but I don’t think he was prepared for me to grass him up, because apparently, no one else had. They just walked away, or supported him… namely his family. He/they seriously underestimated me.

I am by all means, not gloating, but I am proud of my achievements. If I had met *Steve before my wonderful experiences and education, I would never have had anything to fall back on. But I do.

At sixteen, I left school with grades A-C in the following subjects: Science One, Science Two, Business Studies, Media Studies, English Language and English Literature.

At nineteen, I left college obtaining the following: Classical Music, Media Studies and Performing Arts.

At twenty-two, I obtained my Psychology & Sociology (with Politics & American Studies) Bachelor’s Degree.

At twenty-eight, I took a short Journalism course, which I passed.

I have also been fortunate to travel – a lot over the years:

Spain (Ibiza, Gibraltar, Nerja) – Portugal (Algarve) – Jamaica (twice) – Singapore – Tunisia – Finland (Helsinki five times) – Brazil (Rio De Janeiro, Salvador) – Dominican Republic – France ( twice) – Italy (Milan) – Dubai – Czech Republic (Prague) – USA (Miami, Las Vegas, Tennessee, Montana, Savannah, Atlanta) – Belgium (Brussels) – Hong Kong – China – Greece (Rhodes) – Bahamas (Nassau) –  Turkey (Antalya) – Germany (five times).

My work history is extensive, ranging from office work, to acting/speaking roles in TV, Film, Commercials and Corporate Videos.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have done so much, and no one can ever take that away from me. No matter how hard they try. 🙂

My Precious Girls, Oxanna And Phoenix

(Oxy -tortoiseshell; Fi-Fi – grey and white)

This too painful to even think of what to write. I started this post on March 29th, and haven’t been able to continue. Apologies if there are any typos, as I will not be reading back over this post (as I normally do) to correct them.

The last of my kittens, Oxanna Monroe and Phoenix Azalea (Oxy and Fi-Fi for short), were meant to follow me back to the UK. Because of new rules for pets to travel, I couldn’t take them with me when I initially left on March 12th 2013. At this time, *Steve still wanted to believe we were still together, which bought me time to try and raise funds for my beautiful girls.

Everything was going OK. His Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) was coming through, as well as his unemployment money. He agreed to get the girls micro-chipped (he had previously spent the money for this a few months earlier), and to make sure their shots and paperwork were up to date, and he agreed that he would pay for their travel.  I wanted them so bad and boy, did he know it. I’d had them since they were around five to six weeks old. They helped me through my pregnancy. Oxy was a ‘tomboy’. Fi-Fi was a diva who loved to look at herself in the mirror. When Max was born, it was literally impossible to keep Oxy out of his crib. She’d creep in there and sleep at his feet. I guess she was protecting him.

I had already told him we were over, but Steve insisted we weren’t, and even went as fair as to post  how he missed his family on Facebook (as in Max and I). Whatever. As long as he was treating and feeding the girls well, I played along with it. It wasn’t long before I noticed that he was acting odd. My girls were starting to look scared, especially Fi-Fi, when I asked him to take pictures of them to send to me. He told me there was nothing wrong, but I knew in my heart there was.

He would tell me he didn’t want to part with them as it would mean he wouldn’t have any of his family around him.

Then he started to threaten me that he would “accidentally on purpose” misplace my cats. I was thrown into panic mode.

He sent me an email on May 28th that he had taken them to the pound via email.

He did the same again the next day May 29th. I asked him which pound, but he refused to tell me.

I called around. Nothing. By May 31st I reported them missing.

Fast forward… I got online for almost six painstaking weeks looking for Oxy and Fi-Fi…

On July 10th 2013, with the help of Angels Among Us Pet Rescue (AAU) and other animal advocates, I managed to track down my girls at Cobb County Pound, Georgia. Fi-Fi had been euthanized on June 10th. She had been in the pound for 10 days. Oxy was euthanized ten days after her sister on June 20th. My precious girls were dead.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t do anything.

I can’t even begin to imagine how they felt in their last days separated from one another, in cages. They were so close.

Upon calling the pound, I asked the woman who answered the phone to explain what the hell had happened. She said Fi-Fi was scared and had become vicious so had to be put to sleep. As for Oxy, she had contracted Upper Respiratory Infection (URI). Bullshit. That’s a high kill pound, and if Steve had checked it out, he would have known that… or maybe the c**t did. (Sorry, I’m getting really angry again. I only use that word in extreme circumstances). It’s just what staff had decided to put on their records. I went on to ask who turned them in. She said the owner did. I asked her who the owner was. She couldn’t tell me, so I told her his full name. She said yes, it was him. “He wasn’t the owner” I told her. “He said he was“.  OK. There was one way to solve who the owner was. She had the micro-chips. I told her which site to go on.

There was silence.

“I’m so sorry…”

She couldn’t stop apologising to me. I had indeed proved, that not only was I the owner, and my friends were listed as their next of kin with all her details available, but that they were also reported missing the same day he had taken them to the pound. Her voice became a whisper as I continued to demand an explanation.

Not one of the fuckers had scanned my girls to check whether or not they had micro-chips. Isn’t that the whole purpose of them?

I can’t go further. It hurts too much. But the post “Facebook Message” whereby I received a message from *Britney relates to this incident. I sent them both a private message saying that my cats had been euthanized, and that I hope they were please with themselves. At first Steve said he couldn’t afford them. Then he said that it was my own fault they had died. I told him that he was a lying murderer and that he should go fuck himself.

Here is a gallery of my girls, playing, sleeping and hugging each other. Just being their usual cute selves.

R.I.P. Oxanna and Phoenix. You must have been so confused. I’m so sorry I had to leave you with that monster. Mummy couldn’t do any better at the time. I thought you would be safe , but I was wrong. I am so sorry I let you down. But please know mummy never abandoned you. I fought for you both, but I ran out of time. A piece of me will be missing for the rest of my life. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you. I found out you were separated from each other and I am so sorry for that too. I hope you found each other at Rainbow Bridge. We will meet again. I love you both with all my heart. Please forgive me. Lots of love always, Mummy. ❤ ❤ xx

(*Not their real names)

Financial Abuse

It was very clear that *Steve did not like spending his own money. He would place anyone in a situation where they, like myself, would end up paying for what he wanted. (See “Our First And Second Shopping Trip To The Mall Together“). There was always the promise that he would pay me back, or if we went out for a meal, say that the next time, he’d pay. There were also times where I would purchase an item for myself, and he would want me to tell people that he had purchased it for me…

• By the time I was ready to move to the US, I found messages between him and another woman. The messages were dated back to just when we had started dating, during the ‘Honeymoon’ period, so to speak. She already had a boyfriend she did not wish to leave, but Steve was trying to get her to do just that – leave him. Whilst I was spending money he promised to pay back but he didn’t, for the number of visits I made to go see him, he was cursing me to her, saying I’m high maintenance, I’m moody, I think I’m above everyone, etc. He then went on to offer this woman, who lived in the US, a ticket that he would purchase, for her to go see him in Germany. She refused. Of course it’s easy to guess that he thought me looking through his deceitful messages (as I supposedly ‘hacked’ into his account), was far worse than his own behaviour. His explanation to me was at the time, he didn’t think we would last, nor did he think he was going to fall so deeply in love me me.

• I purchased a bag out of my own money within a couple of months of moving out to the US. Just because he said he liked it, he told me to tell people he bought it for me as a gift. Obviously trying to keep up the pretence – something I certainly said no to. I can only imagine how much it annoyed him that I refused.

• Out of $6,500 I had transferred over when I arrived in the US, there was only $80.00 left. I wanted it in case I needed anything (I was pregnant as the time), but he wouldn’t allow me to get it out of the bank before he spent it, because it was all money we had. This is related to the incident where I was left to walk along the highway at night, in my second trimester (see “Emotional And Mental Abuse“). Yet, when I needed to go to the hospital, or needed food, it was his money (see “It Was His Money Not Mine“).

• The money to pay for mine and my son’s flight was from him claiming for our son on his tax return. Had it not been for this money coming in, I would still be stuck with the wife beating loser. Yet, he told me to tell people that it was a birthday gift from him to me last year (2013). Steve’s portion was eaten up by Montana Child Support as he was and still is in arrears with his daughter.

• He is in Child Support arrears with Max. Despite everything he had put me through, I had told him that he could contribute whatever he could afford, or if he was short one month, to just let me know in advance and he wouldn’t have to worry about making a payment. Luckily, I had already started a Child Support case when I had gone to the US to try to retrieve some of my belongings the end of May last year (2013), unknown to him. (I will go into detail about this in a later post). It was agreed that he would start contributing on July 1st… Yeah, no… it didn’t happen. I waited until July 3rd to ask him what was going on. I laughed when I got his message. Conveniently, he had his wallet stolen and someone tried to break into his car. Yet, what he had actually done, was moved out of the Extended Stay into an apartment, bought new clothes, eating out up to three times a day. He was living, whilst my family and friends were feeding and clothing our son.

• Steve owes me $32,000. At the same time Child Support was discussed, I reduced this amount to $15,000 as he is the father of my child. Again, he could pay back what he could afford. Another reason I reduced it, was because he had the cheek to say I owe him rent as I moved out there to be with him! Being married to me, meant the army was paying him $1,200 for Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) in Savannah GA, for him to live off post and for us to live together. If not married, he would not have received this money.So, to avoid any bullshit, I more than halved the amount. On July 25th, I noticed he still had not attempted to make payment, so I sent him a message asking him about it. His response was that he will no longer be taken advantage of, so he will not be paying me back what he owes me. I wanted to put some of this money into a savings account for Max, to go towards his education when he’s older. I guess, it’s not going to happen…

• When I returned to the UK last year March, I struggled for as long as I could with no money and no job. I’d paid taxes for nineteen years here, so was entitled to Child Benefit, which is roughly $30.00/£20.30 per week. I told Steve this. He was happy and said “That’s good”. He expected our son and I to live on this, whilst he was living on benefits and Basic Allowance for Housing (B.A.H.) totalling to approximately $667.00/£476.00 per week. His rent at the Extended Stay was $209.00 per week – this price included electric, water, landline, cable, internet and a cleaner once a week, which left him with $458.00 to spend as he pleased. Yet he offered no suggestion on helping me with our son financially, or otherwise for that matter.

• He wanted to come to the UK after leaving the army, so he could claim benefits and not pay for medical. As he said to me, he liked the idea. That would mean I would have to do the following:- Work full time and look after Max. Pay for gas, electricity, TV Licence, council tax; water, rent, phone, broadband, not to mention food, clothes and whatever else was needed. I told him he’d get bored, but he denied this, saying he would fill his time sightseeing. (See “He Wanted Me To Work Whilst He Stayed At Home“). I went to the US to have a life with him and to work, not to chill, try to claim benefits and not do anything with my life. Did he really think I was stupid enough to bring him to my country to sponge off of a system he’d never paid into? I don’t think so.

Money comes and goes, but the thing that bothers me the most about it all, is that he does not make any contributions to his son nor his daughter. Yet, he has the audacity to say his children have his heart. He has sacrificed relationships with both so he can have a life of leisure, whilst he has no care for how they exist. Steve is indeed a narcissist. This is what they do… They only care about themselves.

(*Not his real name)

Verbal Abuse

The barrage of verbal abuse was unbearable. Slowly, but surely, it became the every day norm. Sometimes I’d say something back; other times, I was just too exhausted and weak to bother. Here are a number of things thrown at me by *Steve:

• After yet another argument, he was real mad. Acting all butt hurt, it had gotten to the point where I really didn’t care any more – I was just fed up with his behaviour. As he wouldn’t let me go out for a walk, I’d answer back, which he hated. He’d call me all sorts and swear at me non stop – c**t, f**king bitch, moody, frigid (no, I’m not frigid, I just didn’t want you to touch me you jackass), etc. On this particular occasion, I told him I wasn’t scared of him. Growling and coming towards me, looking like he was possessed by demon, he said “You ought to be”.

• He would yell at me because we didn’t have enough money coming in, due to him spending like there was no tomorrow. Right after having our son, he thought it was my duty to look for a job so I could work straight away. Bearing in mind, he wasn’t working and his intention was to claim unemployment for at least two years and to claim for a disability he doesn’t have, for the rest of his life (see “He Claims To Be Suffering From PTSD To Claim Disability“)… When I suggested he slow down on his spending, he would hurl abuse at me saying  “Here’s an idea, get a job” and “What are you doing with your life? Nothing”. It was heartbreaking because there wasn’t much I could do with a new born, and I’d been working, had a car, etc when I met him. I was apparently “useless” because I didn’t have any of these things now.

• He’d get really mad at me when I wanted to ask my mother for advice (hence the reason he smashed my laptop and phone). I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone our business – what happened between us, stayed between us. At the same time, he’d be speaking untruths to anyone who’d listen. According to him, I was needy and pathetic, and that he wanted a lady but all he got was a pain in the ass.

• He’d call me ugly (see “Abusing Me Whilst Pregnant, He Started To Call Me Ugly“). It was so hurtful. Having run me down into the ground, the next step for him was to really crush me. So much so, I started to believe it.

• Another ‘growling’ session was when he was so angry about something (as usual) and I couldn’t understand why. Telling him so, his reply was “This isn’t angry, you’ll know when I’m angry!” He continued by saying he hated me with all of his being, expressing how much he wish he’d never met me. (Yeah, you and me both…). In public, he’d say I was the best thing that ever happened to him and act like we were the perfect couple. Steve loved to give the impression that he was the loving man he clearly was not behind closed doors.

• He’d threaten that he would take Max and leave because I was a bad mother. To this day, I’m not quite sure what he meant by that, but I did start to question my mothering skills. Again, in public, he’d openly say I was a great mother as well as being the love of his life.

I couldn’t do anything right in his view, but if I said he needed to clear up after himself because I was tired, he’d hurl abuse at me, asking what had I done all day.As long as I didn’t say anything, he felt he was in control. However, he did contradict himself. The times when I did remain quiet, he would shout obscenities at me because he didn’t like the silence. Either way, I’d never be right.

(Verbal Abuse Ads – Creative Director: Andy Greenway & Richard Copping. Agency: Saatchi & Saatchi).

(*Not his real name)

A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

“It’s just that, in my past relationships, I’ve had some problems.”

*Steve had a bad habit of slagging off his daughter’s mother, *Dawn, as well as others from his previous relationships. It was never his fault when things went wrong. He wanted me to ‘join in’, but I refused, which led to numerous arguments. The way I saw it then and still see it now, their relationship has nothing to do with me. I wasn’t there when they were together, nor was I there for the duration or the end of it. It’s none of my business. My main concern was for the child who seemed to the centre of it all for monetary gain.

It was one thing bad mouthing his ex’s, but his daughter’s mother? That’s just disrespectful. But it got me thinking… if he could say those awful things he did about her, what was he capable of saying about me?

(*Not their real names)