Our Son Is Born

Our son Max was born in Wellstar Hospital, Marietta GA on December 15th 2012. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was happy about having my son, but it was not as joyous as it could and should have been.

All *Steve could think about was eating. When the nurse came round to get my food order, I’d order what he liked just so he would shut the hell up. I simply went without. I was used to it anyway. as I’d been going without for quite some time now. He just thought about himself. It was all about him. Don’t worry about me, the person carrying our son, who had to have the longest, most frightening looking needle inserted to the base of my spine, preparing me to be cut open. No, I should have thought about how he felt, no matter what situation I was in…

I ended up staying just two nights in the hospital. Having been told I could stay longer if I wished, I declined, because unknown to them, I had no idea where we were going to live just four days after I would leave the hospital. Rent at the mouldy Extended Stay Hotel would be due by Friday at 11:00 am. I needed to give a physical address for hospital records; P.O. Box’s are not accepted. I was so afraid I was going to lose my son, so I left early. I’m just so glad it wasn’t the case of someone coming to check to see whether or not the place was suitable for a new born. I was also worried about my remaining two kittens Oxanna Monroe and Phoenix Azalea. I wanted to make sure they had eaten and their litter tray was clean.

Needing strong pain killers and antibiotics, there of course, was no money for medication. Steve had bought junk food the night before and God knows what else, yet there was no money for parking either. Due to having medical cover from the Army (Tricare), my medication was discounted, so we should have definitely been able to afford the costs. But no. I couldn’t even wait for someone to come along with a wheelchair to take me to the car, due to not being able to afford $5/£3.50 for a whole day’s parking! When I swiped the debit card I had on me, it was declined. Trying again, the same thing happened. In the end, the nurse helping me to check out of the hospital paid for my medication out of her own pocket, because Steve hadn’t left any money in the bank account.

When I told Steve what had happened, he was not bothered at all. I said we needed to send the money back to her and to say “thank you”, but he refused to pay her back. Just like he refused when I said we should send *Peter’s mother some money for our eight night stay in their home. (See “Finding Ourselves In Up State New York“).

The doctor said I had to relax for two weeks. No household chores. As soon as I got ‘home’, I had to clean straight away. It took forty-eight hours with no sleep to clean up, whilst Steve rested, which could have ripped open my stitches.

Max ran out of formula at three days old. Yes, that’s right, there was no money to even buy our son something to eat, but there was money when he wanted to eat and to buy cigars and cigarettes. The nurses at the hospital had been very generous, supplying me with extra diapers/nappies and ready made formula. I’m pretty sure they sensed something was up, but didn’t want to ask. But there was only so long that all they had given to me was going to last. I didn’t have my valid credit card with me. The new one had arrived at my mother’s house in the UK. The one I had with me had expired.

I was frantic. I wasn’t producing enough milk, so I had no idea how my baby was going to eat. All because his father had been and was still being irresponsible with money. I checked store after store online. None of them allowed you to shop and pay online, then go into a store to collect. Finally, I got to Babies ‘R’ Us. I was able to order and pay online, then collect the items two hours later. I bought formula on my UK credit card using details my mother had given to me months earlier via Skype. Thank God they accepted international payment methods and I didn’t have to present an actual card to them. The relief was so great… my baby would not go hungry after all.

Max got ‘lucky’ again the next day when we took him to see a paediatrician. She gave us two cannisters of formula (powdered), which would last at least a month. I cried in front of her. She hugged me tight. I didn’t have to say a word, for she sensed something wasn’t right, and told Steve that he had to make an effort to help me; to support me; to save our relationship. Was it that obvious we had fallen apart?

Two days after that, we had to register with WIC (Women, Infants and Children) who would give me vouchers with specific items on them. Max would get the amount formula he needed, without me having to worry how he was going to eat the next day or the next week. He was my only concern. They did give vouchers to me too, for eggs, milk, beans etc – basic nutritional foods. Once I started obtaining these food items, Steve would eat them in front of me. (See “It Was His Money, Not Mine“).

As a mother, as a responsible parent, I will never just sit back and let my son do without the basic means to live, to survive. First and foremost, I make sure he has food in abundance. I would and will go hungry for him. Secondly, I make sure he gets all the medication he needs when he needs them, without me having to panic that if he is sick, I won’t be able to afford it. I would and will go without medication for myself for him. Thirdly, I make sure he has clothes, outerwear and footwear, unlike when we arrived in the UK with literally just the clothes on our backs. I would and will go without for myself for him. My son will always be my number one priority. He doesn’t need his selfish, narcissistic father. He has me.

(*Not their real names)

Well, Hello Mr. Crazy

Calling him “Mr. Crazy” is putting it mildly to say the least. There are things he did, which no ‘normal’ human being would do. It never ceased to amaze me just how low *Steve would stoop, nor how far he would go to get his point across. Thinking about it, I believe he’s gone past controlling (I’m not even sure if that’s possible, or even what the next stage would be called!). I have to admit, I can see why his family does not talk to him, and why he has very few friends – if any at all. Here are some of the things to explain why I have awarded him such a title:

• He took the locks off the extended stay hotel door so I couldn’t shut him out. That way, he could come in and out as he pleased, taunting me, laughing as he did so.

• I found text messages in his phone to *Peter whom we stayed with in Upstate New York, calling me “crazy bitch”, not to mention someone else he had been texting too. He was calling me a crazy bitch because I was sick of being penniless, homeless, tired and hungry. (See “Heavily Pregnant, Hungry And Homeless“). I’m sure you’ve guessed that he had not mentioned any of these things. His sole purpose was to make me look like the bad person.

• Being six foot and  260 lbs+ (and getting bigger still, yet I wasn’t allowed to eat), he threw his weight against the front door on numerous occasions, so I couldn’t leave the apartment. His weight would be one of the reasons the Army wanted to chapter him. (See “I Saved Him From Being Kicked Out Of The Army“). I am five foot three inches, was pregnant and weighed approximately 140 lbs before my pregnancy.

• After moving to the US on March 3rd 2012, a week later, we attended the Military Ball. It would be at this point that I would really find out the degree of his lying.  Steve had told his colleagues that when I was still living  in the UK, I wouldn’t allow him to go out; I would only allow him to go to work, then come home and talk to me on Skype. Yet it was I who suggested he go out and have a life, but he told me he didn’t like them. He only spoke to them because he worked with them. To top it off, they confronted me and asked me why I wouldn’t let him go out. I told them it was untrue, so he was left unable to explain why he had lied. What he did say, was that we all misunderstood him.

• I found messages to one of his ex’s dated August 2010, yet when we started talking in September 2010, he told me that he hadn’t spoken to her for a year. This is the same ex whom he had been engaged to and had been dating (apparently) for three years, but had only seen once. The same ex who found out she couldn’t have children, so when I fell pregnant, he promptly contacted her gloating that I, his wife, was pregnant. You have got to be a really twisted individual to get satisfaction from something like that.

• Wanting to go out to get away from him, without realising, as the main account holder on our cell/mobile accounts, he set up a tracker on my phone. For a couple of days, I’d notice that he wouldn’t fight me if I wanted to leave. Once I’d left the apartment, he still find out where I was – my exact location. One day, I left without my phone. He didn’t show. I enjoyed the time away from him. When I returned he was so mad that I hadn’t taken my phone. At first I thought it was because he had tried calling. I checked. He hadn’t. Upon checking the bill, it all made sense. The phone company had introduced a tracking app for parents who wanted to know their children were safe. It must have been during one night when I was asleep that he installed it onto my phone.

• When we’d go to the supermarket straight after he’d finished work (which meant he’d still be wearing his uniform), people would take the time out to thank him for his service (if only they know the truth…). He either walk off, or grunt. He even had the nerve to say to me that those people were fake. They had no respect for him. They wouldn’t show the same respect if he wasn’t wearing it. OK, Mr. Crazy, they don’t actually know you… It was nothing short of rude and embarrassing. I used to make it my duty to apologise to them and thank them on his behalf.

• He took me to the hairdressers – once. Whilst getting my hair done, which surprisingly, he paid for, Steve bought me a pair of Nike flip flops. Returning with them, in front of every one he got down on his knees and put them on my feet. I knew it was all a show and felt ill. He just wanted his ego fed by the strangers around me, who would ultimately (I assume) think he was a wonderful guy. It was nothing to do with making me feel good. When we argued later, he’d remind me that he had taken me to the hairdressers and that he had bought me footwear, which he didn’t have to do.

• Roses are my favourite flowers. One day, whilst in the supermarket I saw a  rather large, deep red one. It was beautiful (and discounted!). He saw me looking at it and said we had no money for it. I just wanted to look at it’s beauty for a moment, and certainly was not expecting him to buy it. As we were queuing at the checkout, he went back to get the rose, which I was unaware of. The checkout was very busy. When it was our turn to be served, he picked up the rose in front of everyone and got down on one knee asking him to marry him all over again. I must say, I have to give him props for a great show! Well done Steve! *Sarcasm*. Of course people who did not know him were smiling. The cashier said something to me (I can’t remember what it was, I just wanted to get the hell out of what felt like a freak show), but I do remember telling her she could have him. Again, it was all about feeding his narcissistic, psychotic, sociopathic, egotistic self.

The reason I had given him so many chances to begin with, was because I thought the distance was to blame. To be honest, I’m glad he forced me to move to the US with him. The reason? If we had kept a long distance relationship like we had in the beginning, it would have taken me much longer to see his true colours in full. I would have given him more years than I already have. I’m just grateful it was only two and a half years, of which only one year was spent living with him full time. The experiences though, was enough to last me a lifetime.

(*Not their real names)

Financial Abuse

It was very clear that *Steve did not like spending his own money. He would place anyone in a situation where they, like myself, would end up paying for what he wanted. (See “Our First And Second Shopping Trip To The Mall Together“). There was always the promise that he would pay me back, or if we went out for a meal, say that the next time, he’d pay. There were also times where I would purchase an item for myself, and he would want me to tell people that he had purchased it for me…

• By the time I was ready to move to the US, I found messages between him and another woman. The messages were dated back to just when we had started dating, during the ‘Honeymoon’ period, so to speak. She already had a boyfriend she did not wish to leave, but Steve was trying to get her to do just that – leave him. Whilst I was spending money he promised to pay back but he didn’t, for the number of visits I made to go see him, he was cursing me to her, saying I’m high maintenance, I’m moody, I think I’m above everyone, etc. He then went on to offer this woman, who lived in the US, a ticket that he would purchase, for her to go see him in Germany. She refused. Of course it’s easy to guess that he thought me looking through his deceitful messages (as I supposedly ‘hacked’ into his account), was far worse than his own behaviour. His explanation to me was at the time, he didn’t think we would last, nor did he think he was going to fall so deeply in love me me.

• I purchased a bag out of my own money within a couple of months of moving out to the US. Just because he said he liked it, he told me to tell people he bought it for me as a gift. Obviously trying to keep up the pretence – something I certainly said no to. I can only imagine how much it annoyed him that I refused.

• Out of $6,500 I had transferred over when I arrived in the US, there was only $80.00 left. I wanted it in case I needed anything (I was pregnant as the time), but he wouldn’t allow me to get it out of the bank before he spent it, because it was all money we had. This is related to the incident where I was left to walk along the highway at night, in my second trimester (see “Emotional And Mental Abuse“). Yet, when I needed to go to the hospital, or needed food, it was his money (see “It Was His Money Not Mine“).

• The money to pay for mine and my son’s flight was from him claiming for our son on his tax return. Had it not been for this money coming in, I would still be stuck with the wife beating loser. Yet, he told me to tell people that it was a birthday gift from him to me last year (2013). Steve’s portion was eaten up by Montana Child Support as he was and still is in arrears with his daughter.

• He is in Child Support arrears with Max. Despite everything he had put me through, I had told him that he could contribute whatever he could afford, or if he was short one month, to just let me know in advance and he wouldn’t have to worry about making a payment. Luckily, I had already started a Child Support case when I had gone to the US to try to retrieve some of my belongings the end of May last year (2013), unknown to him. (I will go into detail about this in a later post). It was agreed that he would start contributing on July 1st… Yeah, no… it didn’t happen. I waited until July 3rd to ask him what was going on. I laughed when I got his message. Conveniently, he had his wallet stolen and someone tried to break into his car. Yet, what he had actually done, was moved out of the Extended Stay into an apartment, bought new clothes, eating out up to three times a day. He was living, whilst my family and friends were feeding and clothing our son.

• Steve owes me $32,000. At the same time Child Support was discussed, I reduced this amount to $15,000 as he is the father of my child. Again, he could pay back what he could afford. Another reason I reduced it, was because he had the cheek to say I owe him rent as I moved out there to be with him! Being married to me, meant the army was paying him $1,200 for Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) in Savannah GA, for him to live off post and for us to live together. If not married, he would not have received this money.So, to avoid any bullshit, I more than halved the amount. On July 25th, I noticed he still had not attempted to make payment, so I sent him a message asking him about it. His response was that he will no longer be taken advantage of, so he will not be paying me back what he owes me. I wanted to put some of this money into a savings account for Max, to go towards his education when he’s older. I guess, it’s not going to happen…

• When I returned to the UK last year March, I struggled for as long as I could with no money and no job. I’d paid taxes for nineteen years here, so was entitled to Child Benefit, which is roughly $30.00/£20.30 per week. I told Steve this. He was happy and said “That’s good”. He expected our son and I to live on this, whilst he was living on benefits and Basic Allowance for Housing (B.A.H.) totalling to approximately $667.00/£476.00 per week. His rent at the Extended Stay was $209.00 per week – this price included electric, water, landline, cable, internet and a cleaner once a week, which left him with $458.00 to spend as he pleased. Yet he offered no suggestion on helping me with our son financially, or otherwise for that matter.

• He wanted to come to the UK after leaving the army, so he could claim benefits and not pay for medical. As he said to me, he liked the idea. That would mean I would have to do the following:- Work full time and look after Max. Pay for gas, electricity, TV Licence, council tax; water, rent, phone, broadband, not to mention food, clothes and whatever else was needed. I told him he’d get bored, but he denied this, saying he would fill his time sightseeing. (See “He Wanted Me To Work Whilst He Stayed At Home“). I went to the US to have a life with him and to work, not to chill, try to claim benefits and not do anything with my life. Did he really think I was stupid enough to bring him to my country to sponge off of a system he’d never paid into? I don’t think so.

Money comes and goes, but the thing that bothers me the most about it all, is that he does not make any contributions to his son nor his daughter. Yet, he has the audacity to say his children have his heart. He has sacrificed relationships with both so he can have a life of leisure, whilst he has no care for how they exist. Steve is indeed a narcissist. This is what they do… They only care about themselves.

(*Not his real name)

Emotional And Mental Abuse

*Steve was a master at emotional abuse. He would get by on saying anything from the most evil to the most stupid. Sometimes, all I could do was look at him and ask myself “Did I really marry him?!“. He’d do anything to portray himself as the good guy. (See “Portraying Himself As A Loving Husband And Father“). Of course, I knew otherwise…

• He’d torment me by telling me I’m not going anywhere when I was sick of his bullshit, keeping me locked up most of the time, knowing it would get to me. I suffer from claustrophobia and he thrived on this fact, locking me in windowless spaces.

• Left me to walk along the highway at night, in the pitch black. Being dark skinned myself, and wearing a black dress, he dropped me off at Savannah Mall, which had a highway between where we lived at the time and this particular location. When I finally made it home on foot – after three stunned strangers offered me lifts home (which I refused) – he was playing his X-Box. He then proceeded to lie that he had returned for me three times. I asked him where had he gone to find me. He said outside Target (a store for those who don’t know), the same place I had been sat for hours waiting for him. There is no way he could have missed me. The truth is, he hadn’t tried at all.

• In the beginning, he would say I’ve misunderstood what he said, he was only joking, or he hadn’t meant what he had said in that way. Even when I showed his messages as proof of what he had said, he’d still be in denial.

• He’d ‘breakdown’ and cry, begging me not to leave him, trying to hug and hold me tight so I couldn’t get away, dragging me back to him, acting desperate. On numerous occasions – too many to remember – he would threaten to commit suicide, and disappear for sometimes, for hours, in a bid to make me panic. When He returned and I hadn’t tried to call him, and/or I wasn’t all over him like a rash when he walked through the door, he would accuse me of not caring and being selfish.

• He’d say “You’ll never know how much I love you”. His classic sentence is:

“See now you’re the first woman I’ve actually loved and liked, not liked and no love, or kinda loved, kinda liked, I straight f**king love you and like you, and even when you annoy the ever loving shit out of me, I’m still loving you and I can’t even fathom that ever going away, so it frightens me.”

• Would say to me “Trust me or f**k off“. One time I chose “f**k off”. There is only so much someone can take. Steve was not impressed to say the least. He was so angry with me. I couldn’t care less.

• He would apologise to me publically, telling all those who would listen how much he loves me. Again, portraying himself s a loving husband and father. It make me feel sick. He would tell them that he was not good enough for me, how I was his all, how he couldn’t live without me… Any thing to draw attention to himself.

• Accused me of being the controlling one. In his own twisted world that no one else is in, I’m sure I was.

• Accuse me of bring out the worst in people, despite it being easy for me to make and keep friends on my own. Unlike him begging me to get my family and friends to add him as a friend on Facebook, WhatsApp, etc. In fact, he went as far as requesting them behind my back. So Sad…

• One time, I went to the bathroom for all of thirty seconds. When I returned to the room, Steve had run off with Max. I was frantic. I went out looking, but couldn’t find them. Although gone for just ten minutes, it felt like ten years. I cried my eyes out, waiting… Bearing in mind, we’d not had an argument (yet) that day, upon his return, I asked him why had he done it. “I did it to spite you” was his response.

• Told me I’d been dumped by every man I’d been with. Well, let’s see. I was in my previous relationship for eleven years in total (married for three), had nearly a year’s break before dating with him. Hmm… The fact of the matter is, every girl he’d ever been with had actually dumped him, and he was trying to turn it round on to me. He really tried to manipulate the situation after I walked out on him. I’m assuming it ‘s because he’s mad that he didn’t get the chance to dump me.

• If I didn’t do something that pleased him, he loved to say, “Oh, it’s all about you, don’t worry about me”. Even when I was pregnant and in pain! Desperate to try and lay the guilt trip on me.

• Due to lack of of food and severe stress, I couldn’t breastfeed (sorry to anyone who thinks this is too much information!), but was desperate to. Knowing how disappointed I was that I couldn’t, he played on  it, telling me I’m not a woman because I wasn’t able to. This almost broke me down completely. He would gnaw away at my insecurities to deliberately hurt me.

I haven’t listed everything, but as you can imagine, there was a lot more. I still can’t believe I managed to get away from him, but am not surprised I developed PTSD. As I read back on this, I was thinking “Wow, I’ve been through a lot”.

I would like to let those who are suffering from abuse know, that there is help, there is hope, there is freedom.

(*Not his real name)

Verbal Abuse

The barrage of verbal abuse was unbearable. Slowly, but surely, it became the every day norm. Sometimes I’d say something back; other times, I was just too exhausted and weak to bother. Here are a number of things thrown at me by *Steve:

• After yet another argument, he was real mad. Acting all butt hurt, it had gotten to the point where I really didn’t care any more – I was just fed up with his behaviour. As he wouldn’t let me go out for a walk, I’d answer back, which he hated. He’d call me all sorts and swear at me non stop – c**t, f**king bitch, moody, frigid (no, I’m not frigid, I just didn’t want you to touch me you jackass), etc. On this particular occasion, I told him I wasn’t scared of him. Growling and coming towards me, looking like he was possessed by demon, he said “You ought to be”.

• He would yell at me because we didn’t have enough money coming in, due to him spending like there was no tomorrow. Right after having our son, he thought it was my duty to look for a job so I could work straight away. Bearing in mind, he wasn’t working and his intention was to claim unemployment for at least two years and to claim for a disability he doesn’t have, for the rest of his life (see “He Claims To Be Suffering From PTSD To Claim Disability“)… When I suggested he slow down on his spending, he would hurl abuse at me saying  “Here’s an idea, get a job” and “What are you doing with your life? Nothing”. It was heartbreaking because there wasn’t much I could do with a new born, and I’d been working, had a car, etc when I met him. I was apparently “useless” because I didn’t have any of these things now.

• He’d get really mad at me when I wanted to ask my mother for advice (hence the reason he smashed my laptop and phone). I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone our business – what happened between us, stayed between us. At the same time, he’d be speaking untruths to anyone who’d listen. According to him, I was needy and pathetic, and that he wanted a lady but all he got was a pain in the ass.

• He’d call me ugly (see “Abusing Me Whilst Pregnant, He Started To Call Me Ugly“). It was so hurtful. Having run me down into the ground, the next step for him was to really crush me. So much so, I started to believe it.

• Another ‘growling’ session was when he was so angry about something (as usual) and I couldn’t understand why. Telling him so, his reply was “This isn’t angry, you’ll know when I’m angry!” He continued by saying he hated me with all of his being, expressing how much he wish he’d never met me. (Yeah, you and me both…). In public, he’d say I was the best thing that ever happened to him and act like we were the perfect couple. Steve loved to give the impression that he was the loving man he clearly was not behind closed doors.

• He’d threaten that he would take Max and leave because I was a bad mother. To this day, I’m not quite sure what he meant by that, but I did start to question my mothering skills. Again, in public, he’d openly say I was a great mother as well as being the love of his life.

I couldn’t do anything right in his view, but if I said he needed to clear up after himself because I was tired, he’d hurl abuse at me, asking what had I done all day.As long as I didn’t say anything, he felt he was in control. However, he did contradict himself. The times when I did remain quiet, he would shout obscenities at me because he didn’t like the silence. Either way, I’d never be right.

(Verbal Abuse Ads – Creative Director: Andy Greenway & Richard Copping. Agency: Saatchi & Saatchi).

(*Not his real name)